WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my friend's generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnat. He married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt...
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son,left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

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Weekend Fun The Jeluvian Project

Weekend Fun The Jeluvian Project

The game for this weekend is called The Jeluvian Project which is a tactical top down shooter with nice visuals and a compelling storyline. The Jeluvian Project is a game that takes time to master and the excellent tutorial helps you understand game mechanics and prepares you for the real battles that lie ahead.

Some might feel that the tutorial is a tad to long or prefer to step right into the action without knowing what’s actually going on storywise. If you are one of those players this game is not for you. It mixes in several real time strategy game elements such as selecting several units at once and moving them with the mouse around the screen.

the jeluvian project

The player has to carefully plan his steps and always consider the health and ammunition of his squad to be able to master a level. Some players might find it extremely difficulty to beat certain levels because the enemy is - most of the time - on possession of an incredible number of units.

Specs (taken from the developers website):

  • Tactical Squad Action
  • About 3 - 4 hours to complete
  • Storyline through 14 levels
  • Freeware

Read more:

The Jeluvian Project Homepage
direct download xp / vista

Rehab by Paolo Nutini


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momentum-missile-mayhem



http://kongregate.com/games/dz2001/momentum-missile-mayhem

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London Lawyer & Glasgow Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper . He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the F__K out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"


Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery
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Scottish Water

A Highland Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from
a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts " Awa ye fool... that âs fuul oâ coos Sharn"
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."


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Scottish Wedding

Scottish Wedding - Boom!Boom!

Two Glaswegians, Erchie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the meenister. Even ma stag night".

Erchie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Erchie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smairt in that"!

"An' whit's the tartan?" Erchie then enquires.

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white!"

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Reading between the lines

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.


MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I’m hungry = I’m hungry
2. I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
3. I’m tired = I’m tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 minutes.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery
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FRENCH JOURNALIST SET STRAIGHT

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."

The interview ended at that point.


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Billy Connolly's take on the terrorists hitting Glasgow...

Billy Connolly's take on the terrorists hitting Glasgow...

"Good old Glasgow. If I had to pick a city in the world where I could depend on one of the locals to kick a man who was on fire, it would always be Glasgow. That really had to hurt - 90% burns and sore bollocks...

I think we should get a photo of that guy KICKING A FLAMING MAN, blow it up and make it the welcome sign at Glasgow Airport. Underneath we should have the words 'Glasgow Welcomes Careful Drivers'...

I love the naivety of al-Qaeda. For trying to bring a religious war to Glasgow. You're 400 years too late guys!! You've not even got a Football Team for Christ's sake... I think that we should give Partick Thistle to al-Qaeda. If only for the joy of hearing them read out their team sheet on Saturday...

The Sun last week urged us all to respond to the attack by flying the Union Jack. Really, in Glasgow that's never been a great way of getting your insurance premiums down...

If we play this whole terrorism thing right, we could get al-Qaeda to blow up some of Scotland's eyesores. I think we should definitely start putting signs up round Shettleston's high flats that say 'Financial Quarter'...

For a while, confusion reigned at Glasgow airport. Was it a terrorist attack or just Richard Hammond turning up late for check-in?

People say it was lucky they didn't crash into a fuel container. I say it's lucky they didn't hit the queue coming out of Duty Free - the whole place would have gone up like Hiroshima...

The best bit is being told that hundreds of people were saved from being hideously burnt...these were Scottish people flying to Spain! They'll come back looking like they've been bungee jumping off the lip of a volcano!"

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Seven entertaining unique Flashgames

Seven entertaining unique Flashgames

Seven great games you can play in your browser.
9 dragons
http://tinyurl.com/2du9kc

Listen to your music anywhere

AnyWhere FM

I wonder how long this will last.

Anywhere.FM lets users share and play music over he internet. Through the iTunish interface users can upload, play and find new music. Is this service legal? Seems like there could be some conflicts here, but it actually does upload music to a server and stream to accounts either through a file browsing window, or through an iTunes uploader application.

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