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Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

Car for sale

Advertisement in an Irish newspaper

Automobile for Sale

1985 Blue Volkswagen

Only 50 miles. Only first gear and reverse ever used.

Never driven hard. Original tires. Original brakes.

Original fuel and oil. Only 1 driver.

Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off.

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

Animals as clowns

Some photo editing of animals so they look like clowns.

Download clowns.pdf

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

Q*Bert Flash Game

Flash version of one of my old favourite 8-bit arcade games.

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

Why you need Post ITs

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

Six Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take
his shoes

Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an
affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father
of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be
cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I
can't allow you to be cremated

With such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
took it home "I have something to show

You won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with
talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend
you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought
one and I liked it

So I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen
and returned

With a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and
nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered
a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice
juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied:

"Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to
his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, now just rest and let the
poison work

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

Makeup or beer?

Makeup or beer?

Doodle's Dawdle by Alastair Montgomery

A Bottle of Merlot

A Bottle of Merlot

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there, Indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man and decided to send a reply note to the man.The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own returns.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z4, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

Shift Happens

Something to make you think on a cold and damp Wednesday morning.

Dead Fish

From the mouths of babes.....
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Pax-Xon is a new take on your traditional Pac-man game. In the game you're a Pac man like character, and your goal is to cover 80% of the board in blue without touching a ghost. You do that by traveling across the screen drawing lines. If you enclose an area with lines that doesn't contain a ghost then that entire area turns blue, if a ghost touches your line in progress then you lose a life.

There are a couple of power-ups that can occur. Cherries make you move faster, Bananas make ghosts move slower, and ice cream will make ghosts stop all together. You can also turn the tables on the ghosts by eating a blinking circle which, much like the power pills in the corners of the original Pac Man, give you the goods and make your little muncher able to eat the ghosts.

Funny Cat Videos


Do you love your bucket?

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How not to drive a tank

I am Invincible!! ...Not Quite

More pictures here....

Are u alright?

Are u alright?

Download okay.pdf

PutStuff Free File Hosting

And you thought you were having a bad day?

And you thought you were having a bad day?
Download Notgood.pdf

PutStuff Free File Hosting

Funny Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.) !

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour. (Don't try this
at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home.......... What the....?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that ! would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure! .

(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy
facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a

In other words, send it to everyone !

(and God love that pig)

And you though your parallel parking was bad?

How not to park

Out of Gas

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?

"I'm out of gas."

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

The bee answered , "BP."

This dog doesn't like getting wet

Dog in the Pool?

Defective Tread Mill

Good reason not to exercise?

How kids described the sea.

The Sea

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were
asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got
together to compare the results and put together some of the 'better'

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

3. Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have
sea all around you, you are incontinent.
( Wayne age 7)

5 I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kyle age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
(William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

9 I hate to go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy shrink.
(Kevin age 6).

Don't mess with the squirrel

Don't mess with the squirrel

My Pictures for sale